when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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