I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
