Only a mothe r could love this liver
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
