Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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