Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I could make wine with my vomit
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This is my gift to your gina
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
