I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize