Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
