I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
