I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
