I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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