how can u be prego again
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
