I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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