The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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