I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
