I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
