My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
