Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
