3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
