I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
