Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You dont lie about slip and slides
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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