Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I believe in your delicious
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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