So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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