Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
