I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I want a musical about memes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
