You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you inspire me to be a worse person
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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