evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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