I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I've blown a few things in my day
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
