Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
