Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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