my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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