I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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