Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize