new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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