Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
