I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize