I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
