i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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