i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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