so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
