I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
