I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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