her vagine was all disorganized.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
