he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
