WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
