My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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