i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
