Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
