It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
