This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
