We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
