my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
