a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
