I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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