He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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