dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
