a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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