I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i drank out of a bidet.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
